Faux News

Humor Times (www.funnytimes.com) is a funny rag you all should have a subscription for.

They were the first paper to print anything of mine (Thank you again, Mr. James Israel) and having something funny, that you look forward to, arrive in the mail each month is priceless.

Faux News
“We Report, You Decry!”
All content ©2010 by the Humor Times. Twit This Page!

Nov. 1, 2009

Balloon Boy Hoax Found to Be Hoax

‘Balloon boy’ hoax hoax.

FORT COLLINS, CO – Police in Fort Collins, Colorado today have announced that the Balloon Boy Hoax involving the Heene family, their son Falcon and a homemade balloon, was not a publicity stunt but a cover up for the boy’s attempt to release his parents in the balloon.

After hours of intense interrogation by police puppeteers, Balloon Boy Falcon Heene confessed that he wanted to get rid of his parents for cutting off his Club Penguin account. According to experts this isn’t the only incident involving conflicts between children and parents over Disney’s mega-on-line game site that encourages social networking over actual play and rabid consumerism in children. Club Penguin administrators confirmed that the Heene’s Club Penguin account had been canceled just two days before the balloon incident.

According the Falcon Heene’s confession, he was going to crawl into the balloon and when his parents followed him in, he would jump out and release the balloon. “This is what started the confusion over who was in the balloon” said Fort Collins Police Chief.

Falcon reportedly showed police, using puppets that represented his parents, how they were always making him log off his Club Penguin account. “Log off NOW!” the boy made the mommy puppet say. Even more disturbing, using the daddy puppet, the boy showed police a violent re-enactment of his father ripping the wires from the back of the computer shouting “Enough of that damn thing – we’re leaving to look for UFOs!”

Evidence collected during the search of the Heene’s home included several cartoon like pictures believed to be drawn by Falcon. Police are working to verify that the crayons found in Falcon’s room match the ones used in the pictures. One frightening drawing shows the boy’s parents as stick figures floating off in a balloon into the clouds with large speech bubble saying “Help, Falcon, we wanna come home, we won’t boss you anymore!”

Falcon later told police his older brother had helped him with the spelling in his cartoon and in designing the plan to get rid of their parents via balloon. In a separate interview with police the older Heene boy confirmed his role, saying he wanted the mom back that they had in Wife Swap. “She was way hot” said the 12 year old.

Official charges against both boys are expected to be filed later today in Poudre Valley Juvenile Court.

Reported by Kate Morrison.

www.humortimes.com

Faux News
“We Report, You Decry!”
All content ©2010 by the Humor Times. Twit This Page!

Jan. 3, 2010

Drug Dealers File for Unemployment
Pot legalization movement hurting bottom line

Unemployed drug dealers line up for soup.

Trench coat sales are down, street corners are emptying and drug dealers are applying for unemployment benefits in record numbers as a result of the emerging legal medical marijuana business.

“It’s like Wal-Mart moved in” said one homey known as “da Man” in Detroit, Michigan. Although he was unable to estimate a percentage, he said his business was “way bad” since the enactment of legalization legislation. “If I’d a voted, I’d a voted against it” he said.

Thirteen states, from Hawaii to Maine, have legalized the use and sale of medical cannabis, allowing dispensaries to sell to people with a medical card. 12 of the 13 states have reported a dramatic increase in unemployment benefit applications from unemployed drug dealers.

Alaska is the only exception, where Sarah Palin’s son Toke supplies the majority of the street vendors. He says his business is still booming. “My mom helps a lot by using her political clout to keep the dispensaries out” said the young Palin. “You Betcha” said Mama Palin at a recent book signing when asked about it. “I fully support Toke’s business with our Mexican neighbors to the north.”

A single mom in Denver, Colorado says the boutique style dispensaries that are popping up everywhere have severely affected her lifestyle and that of her children. “I ran a small business supplying all the housewives in the area,” said the 38 year old, but now they’re all “Boutiquing.” “They want the card in case their husbands or children catch them” she says.

The effects are more far reaching than first thought and even high school dealers are hurting. A California family said their teenage son is constantly asking them for cash now. Although he is still sullen, he is not solvent. “It’s really created a strain on the family finances” said the boy’s father.

Several states are setting up retraining programs for those displaced by the new dispensaries. Initial career placement tests indicate ex-dealers are most qualified for jobs that require a high tolerance for drugs and alcohol and doing very little. Their skill sets, income requirements and moral conduct matched best with stockbrokers, bankers and US Senators.

Reported by Kate Morrison

www.humortimes.com

Faux News
“We Report, You Decry!”
All content ©2010 by the Humor Times. Twit This Page!

Jan. 15, 2010

Sarah Palin to Play Tina Fey on Fox Show
‘I’m, like, humbled that God has annointed in me to help reform that evil media there’

Now a part of that ‘darned media.’

Fox News confirmed that Sarah Palin is going to play Tina Fey on their new show Faux News or Fox News: You Decide. Ms. Fey is unavailable to host the show due to her huge comedic popularity so Fox News Executives asked Sarah Palin; also hugely popular for her comedic value.

“It turns out most Americans can’t tell the difference between the two women” said a representative from the Fox Network. “And those who can either love Sarah Palin or think she is a biggest joke ever-either way, Palin is a perfect stand in for Tina Fey.”

A spokesperson for Ms. Palin said she is looking forward to working for Fox, “Sarah has a good sense of humor, the camera loves her and it will give her a good cover for any future political or geographical gaffs.”

Palin is excited about the new show and likes the idea of being a “Polebrity:” a combination of a politician and celebrity. “You Betcha” said Palin when we caught up with her at yet another book signing. “It’s a perfect match for my love of the limelight, my good looks and my ability to appear as if I know what I am talking about.”

On the new show, Faux News or Fox News: You Decide, viewers will vote by texting “real” or “faux” after each story to a number that will run on the screen during the story. “It’s a totally new direction for Fox News” said a Fox News Programming Manager. “Rather than letting our sponsors decide what is “news,” we’re going to let the viewers decide.” Stories voted real will appear later each evening on Fox’s News Late Edition.

– Reported by Kate Morrison

Faux News
“We Report, You Decry!”
All content ©2010 by the Humor Times. Twit This Page!

www.humortimes.com

March 25, 2011

Seasonal Asset Disorder
Affliction reportedly exacerbated by tax season

A Humor Times Special Report

Seasonal Asset Disorder (SAD), also known as tax depression or tax blues, is a mood disorder in which people with abundant financial security experience feelings of scarcity and financial insecurity. The disorder is often brought on or exacerbated by tax season.

Although not considered a mental disease, SAD is classified as a mental disorder. Sufferers begin to feel what they have may not be enough, and then begin to be resentful regarding paying their share of taxes. Those with SAD often have trouble discerning wants from needs and the disorder can lead to extremely delusional thinking regarding what is enough.

Most people who get SAD just get SADDER and SADDER.

The disorder affects approximately 20% of the US population and can be severe for those making $300K per year or more. It effects an inordinate amount of sports stars, entertainers and congressmen. It is estimated that SAD costs the US billions of dollars each year in lost tax revenue.

Symptoms vary widely but often include a burning desire to establish trusts and foundations, a need to establish family vacation property as ranch property, or wanting to designate large family estates as agricultural land. SAD people move money to offshore accounts, believe pets are dependent children, and even claim charitable donations they have not made.

Most people with the disorder own more than one home and have several vehicles. Over half of the people with SAD have never worked at job other than managing the family trust.

If left completely untreated, many SAD people flock to the Republican and Tea Parties.

To severe sufferers, things like tax cuts for the rich, eliminating programs for senior citizens and even denying access to basic health care to individuals less fortunate can seem reasonable and responsible. “Crazy ideas can appear like good fundamental ideas to SAD people” said one clinical expert on the disorder.

It is important for those with Seasonal Asset Disorder to seek help from a professional. Unfortunately, most who do seek treatment look to tax accountants and tax attorneys only to find they too are SAD.

The Internal Revenue Service has set up calling centers and is standing by to get help quickly to those identified with SAD.

Reported by Kate Morrison, Humor Times Senior SAD correspondent

www.humortimes.com

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2 Responses to “Faux News”

  1. Kay Soens September 19, 2011 at 2:45 am #

    I loved your column in today’s “Denver Post” re Denver Water. I encourage you to follow through on at least one of your idea’s to attack the big bench and the little bench. Denver had a lot of rain this year and now there is talk of yet another rate increase. It is time for Denver Water to “use only what you need”. Thanks for an entertaining column.

    • katemorrisonwrites September 22, 2011 at 11:17 pm #

      Thanks so much, I enjoyed writing that one! Personally, I’m glad we are conserving water, and I’m okay paying more after hearing a story on NPR about a woman in Pakistan who has to walk up a nearby mountain 3 times a day to get water for herself and her family…and she’s 7 months pregnant with 4 little ones in tow! And although I loathe to pay more for anything, I still pay way more for phone service than I do water service and I know water is much more important to me and my family. Please keep reading, thinking and interacting; that’s the way we can make this a better world!

      I hope your are having a good day and thanks again for reading and commenting.

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