Tag Archives: education

A Letter From The Superintendent

23 Dec

This was published in Funny Times, December 2013  (www.funnytimes.com)

Dear Parents:

All of us in the District are eager and excited to begin what promises to be our most successful year to date.

First, we are proud to announce that the entire District is now dedicated to serving only Gifted and Special Needs students. This change comes after a review of last year’s student records revealed that there were no “Regular-Ed” students left.

The District’s Food Service Department has unveiled our new Culinarily Correct Cafeteria. We are now able to accommodate students with food allergies and sensitivities, as well as our athletes, and our obese and anorexic students. The cafeterias no longer serve any foods containing wheat, eggs, nuts, dairy, meat, or soy products. We now offer organic versions of Slim Fast, Ensure and Muscle Milk.

Thanks to the PTA’s tremendous efforts, all playground equipment has finally been removed. The playgrounds are now equipped with Wi-Fi, cable and virtual playground goggles that will allow students to visualize that they are playing in a safe, supportive, and healthy environment.

Our Parent Peep-Hole Portal is up and running and can be accessed from the District’s website, www.veritasdistrictschools.com. You can review your student’s attendance record, assignments, grades, contact teachers and/or watch live school action on the 72 newly installed security cameras in and around our school. If you have cable, you can watch us on Channel 112!

We are also pleased to announce that despite all the budget cuts, we have added three new staff positions at each school. An on-site Pharmacist will handle the ever increasing pharmaceutical needs of our students with ADD/ADHD, diabetes, anxiety, bipolar, depression and any other disorders. A new Grief Counselor and a Good Guy with a Gun will also set up offices where the art and music rooms used to be.

Please be sure to check the updated calendar, available on our website, as we have added 32 new teacher in-service days (no school for students on these days) to continue training our teachers on compliance with the 422 new federal and state guidelines for curriculum, administering tests and, of course, the latest teacher and student evaluation criteria.

We are striving for excellence, and we are optimistic that we can bring you this excellence within our new budget (28 percent of last year’s budget, 32 percent of the previous year’s).  Additionally, we are confident that we can do this effectively, even while welcoming the 1,300 new students that are joining us from a neighboring District’s school that was closed last year due to non-adherence to their District’s dress code.

We are relentless in our effort to improve your child’s educational experience and we will continue to try to find out just why our schools keep “failing” despite the massive amounts of time and money we are applying at the local, state and national levels.

We are rigorously evaluating our teachers, teaching techniques and student performance. In addition to those evaluations, we are conducting union effectiveness evaluations, procurement audits, administrative evaluations, interior and exterior security audits, emergency planning audits, parking lot safety studies, length of grass near buildings audits, and how the sun shines on our schools evaluations.

The only input to your child’s education that has not been thoroughly scrutinized to date is … you, the parent.

Although it sounds silly, there is some evidence that suggests that you and your expectations of your child could be the most influential factor in their educational experience. Toward that end, we have enclosed a District-wide Parent Evaluation Survey that we’d like to you fill out and send back to us.

If you don’t return the survey, don’t worry; we know how taxing all this seemingly unnecessary paperwork can be. Happily, Mr. McCarthy, our Engineering and Technology teacher, has offered to have his senior class fill in the blanks on any non-returned surveys as part of their research project in his class: Hacking, Tracking, and Tapping – Information Gathering in the Modern World.

Again, we welcome you and hope you and all our students are as excited as we are to have a successful year.

Yours in Learning,

Dr. Will Botch, Ph.D.

Proudly serving as Superintendent

Anita B. Veritas School District

Milton Bradley Unveils New Game Called ‘Strife’

19 Jul

Said to be more realistic version of their ‘Life’ game

Milton Bradley Company, maker of the game “Life,” is unveiling a new version of the game called “Strife.”

The new game requires players to spin the wheel to determine an initial educational path: Spin 1-7 and you take the high school path, 8-9 and you go to college, and those lucky few who spin a 10 skip to the Dynastic Wealth or Fame path.

On the high school path, players must avoid landing on the four spaces marked “Pregnancy,” “Addiction,” “Poverty,” or “Wrong Place-Wrong Time”; if they do, they must drop out of high school and chose from careers as welfare recipients, cleaning lady or man, dishwasher, or hobo. In these cases, players collect no salary, since it all goes toward living expenses.

If they’re lucky enough to avoid those spaces, high school educated players choose from career cards for jobs waiting tables, in retail or telemarketing, or as bank tellers and loan officers; salary cards range from $7 to $15 an hour. There are two lucky bonus cards on the high school path: Professional Athlete and Celebrity, where players proceed directly to the Party and Play areas.

The college path now goes two ways: Spin to see if you graduate with no debt and pick from the Upper Middle Class career cards that include CEO, CFO, Lawyer, Banker, Broker or Politician, and pay ranges from $300,000-500,000 per year.

Or, take the Disappearing Middle Class path and graduate with $45,000 of debt and choose from career cards that Include Teacher, Small Business Owner, Nurse, and Sales Person. The pay in this case ranges from $30,000-75,000 per year. Players who go the middle class path must draw from the majority of the tax burden cards and pay the amount shown each time they roll a 5.

Players on the Dynastic Wealth or Fame path proceed directly to the Party and Play area. Career cards include Reality TV Star, Famous Family Screw up or Politician. There is no salary because the makers said they “couldn’t fit that much money in the box.”

There are 20 Bummer squares that include events such as CEO Bankrupts Company, Over-Mortgaged House and Lose It to Foreclosure, and Get Fired for Poorly Worded Tweet. A player that lands on a Bummer square has to give back everything and start over again.

There are 20 Accident and Illness squares that require a player to spin the wheel to see what amount the insurance company will pay, if at all. All players must purchase several insurance policies but only the one with the golden egg on the card actually pays.

When a player’s debt becomes twice their holdings in cash and assets, the player is out and all remaining players give up 10% of everything they own to the banks and credit card companies.

This continues until everyone in the game is bankrupt. No one actually wins, but everyone accumulates a lot of stuff.

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Kate Morrison likes to make up stories, especially ones that could be true, on some level. That’s why she writes fake news articles for the Humor Times! More: Website, Twitter, Facebook (if available).

Humor Times

World’s Funniest News Magazine
Appeared 5/23/2011