The Colorful Columnist

Hats off to the Denver Water Department for the very effective “Use Only What You Need” public relations campaign.

It is pure genius.

That’s why it makes me so sad to have to vandalize it.

I’m not prone to vandalism; as a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever committed an act of vandalism. Of course I’ve fantasized an act or two. I envision myself heaving my coffee pot through the window of the Mr. Coffee​ headquarters (a la the Discount Tire ad), because it drips on the counter every time I pour a cup. And I have a recurring dream of breaking into government computers and putting all of Congress on Medicare and Social Security instead of their bountiful salaries and fabulous benefits, the ones that inure them from any hope of ever helping their constituents.

But now I find myself plotting and planning an actual crime. I’m obsessed with a humongous orange bench that appeared recently on the corner of 1st and University in Cherry Creek and reads, “This is what you use,” next to a little orange bench that reads, “This is what you need.”

I knew immediately when I saw the benches what I needed to do. And it is not my moral compass, nor my fear of getting caught that has kept me, thus far, from my delinquency; both those I would sacrifice, I am so compelled. I’ve even rationalized that my kids might think mommy doing a little jail time is cool — like a tattoo — or it might give them some bragging rights in their world of suburban opulence and entitlement.

No, what has kept me from my crime spree is the fact that I cannot decide which act of vandalism to do. I am truly torn.

Should I write on the big bench, “This is how much money you make,” and on the little bench, “This is how much money you need,” with a little follow-on that says, “Do something good with it”?

Or, “This is how rich you are,” on the big bench, and, “This is how rich you think you are,” on the little bench, with the follow-on “Ninety percent of the top 10 percent don’t think they’re rich enough and therefore have no obligation to society”?

Hmmm, that one’s probably too long.

Or, “This is how much you owe in taxes,” on the big bench and, “This is how much you pay in taxes,” on the little one with, “Using loopholes is the same as stealing,” as the follow-on?

Or perhaps I should dedicate my anarchy to one of the most egregious frivolities to surface in our society, a cause near and dear to my almost-50 ego, a prevalent travesty in Cherry Creek. I could put, on the big bench, “This is how much money, time and effort you spend on your appearance,” and on the small bench, “This is what you should.” Below that it would read, “There’s been enough money spent on plastic surgery and breast enlargements in Cherry Creek to have eradicated malaria from our planet!”

So I have my black mask and my black outfit already set out. I just need to decide which pair of boots to wear and which slogan to use.