How To Be A Burden On Your Children
I’ve decided I’m going to be a burden on my children. It’s a nice succinct retirement plan, there’s no paperwork and it keeps me motivated to be the best parent I can be.
I realize I’m counting on at least one of my boys not being in jail or rehab, being gainfully employed and/or having a girlfriend or wife that is.
I am small and probably won’t eat much. I understand that living under their roof I’ll have to follow their rules. Why, I’ll be no trouble at all.
Just a few little quirks…
When I pass the refrigerator, I will take out the milk and leave it on the counter. When queried I will adamantly insist it wasn’t me.
I will take the bread out of the bag and sprinkle crumbs all over the counter and table and again claim to have no knowledge of how they got there. I will be insulted just to be asked.
I will not be hungry at mealtimes, preferring to cook and eat in between when others do. I will never eat what they eat. I will always be hungry at bedtime.
I will not brush my teeth but insist I did. I will offer to blow my breath in their face to prove it.
I will let the dog out the front door just as they are leaving for a meeting or appointment and pretend not to notice.
My mantras will be: “It’s not my fault! It was an accident! It wasn’t me!”
I will bring grape popsicles into the back seat of the car and then leave the unfinished portion on the seat. I will pretend we don’t speak the same language when asked to clean it up.
I will lose at least one item a day.
I will kick my shoes off one at a time, each in a separate room. I will never know where my shoes are. I will act like they are insane for thinking I should know where my shoes are.
I will eat sticky snacks while working on their computer. I will never use the computer they give me, claiming it is inferior.
I will leave all wet towels on the floor or the wood furniture.
I will only answer them after they call my name three times
I will insist urgently on speaking to them any time they pick up the phone.
I will assume the floor is the proper place to leave most things I touch or use.
And yes, of course, every once in a while, as needed, I will be sweet and funny and endearing and helpful, just so they will keep me.
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The Colorful Columnist 
I laughed so hard. This made my day complete
Thanks! I’m glad this helped, parenthood is a long row to hoe.
Kate! I’m so happy you found my blog because now I get to enjoy yours! I love it..almost as much as mine. This post really hit home with me…I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants!!!
I’m so glad I found your site, going to be careful with the “H” word today!
Seriously, is my 9 year old living at YOUR house as well??? You described him perfectly! =)
I think he is here! Does he go by “Idunno?” Yesterday he smashed berries all over the patio and left the front door wide open several times. Would you please come get him?
I think I’ll print this for my Dad’s 80th coming up! Thanks for being you – the world needs it!
I hope your Dad liked it, I know mine did. And thanks for reading! Kate
ok, I have to send this to my sister who has three more sons than you and two more than I!
Please do share it and thank you for all your flattering comments! Today is one of those days, I think I’ll re-read it!
I am so glad we found each other because now I get to read this. I am laughing here as I am waiting for my flight. Thank you for sharing your work.
I’m so glad we met, too, and that you enjoyed this piece! It’s a good plan!