Dish Rags Not Included

Dish Rags Not Included appeared in the October 2010  issue of Funny Times (Clevaland Heights, OH).

I recently purchased a new coffee maker.  It brews, it warms, it can tell time, it can auto-magically have the coffee waiting for me in the morning when I wake, but alas, it cannot pour coffee without spilling it. 

 I pour slowly, it drips on the counter.  I pour quickly, it drips on the counter.  Left handed, right handed, high up, low down, it drips.  Hello?  It’s a coffee maker.  If it was a Mr. Ricer or a Mr. Yogurt I could understand; but it’s a coffee maker.  It’s supposed to brew, warm and decant coffee.  I wonder if it were a Mrs. Coffee would it still spill?

 I recently shared this enigma with some friends over drippy coffee and it turns out most of them have the same problem.  Their coffee pots spill with every pour too, regardless of the brand or price!  How this could be?  Surely they did not always drip; Joe DiMaggio would not have stood for it. 

 Maybe something got lost in translation when production was moved overseas so I could have an inexpensive coffee maker.  Perhaps pouring was mistranslated to spilling so the directions read “Coffee should spill from the carafe.”  I can just picture the gleeful inspector #37 in quality assurance,  “Ya, ya, it jus righ, it leeky too!”  Stamp.  Package.  Send.

 Maybe the original instructions were double sided and the translator didn’t realize it and so the manufacturer only got pages 1,3,5 and 7 of the instructions.

 Maybe it’s a giant evil manufacturing monopoly; they sell us the coffee maker, then the dish rags and detergents to clean up after it.  Maybe Mr. Clean is involved.

 I am driven to near madness every time I pour a cup of coffee and notice the drips on the counter.  I envision the old Discount Tire ad; I see myself heaving the messy coffee maker through the window of the manufacturer’s headquarters.

 Instead, I am reduced to a new regime.  I pour the coffee with my right hand and hold the rag and wipe with my left.  Pour and wipe, that’s what it should be called, The New Mr. Spilly Pour and Wipe.  Brews coffee; has delay brew; digital clock; comes in white or black, spills with every pour!  Dish rags not included.

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Tags: China, Coffee, Coffee Maker