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Dish Rags Not Included

9 May

Dish Rags Not Included appeared in the October 2010  issue of Funny Times (Clevaland Heights, OH).

 

I recently purchased a new coffee maker.  It brews, it warms, it can tell time, it can auto-magically have the coffee waiting for me in the morning when I wake, but alas, it cannot pour coffee without spilling it. 

 I pour slowly, it drips on the counter.  I pour quickly, it drips on the counter.  Left handed, right handed, high up, low down, it drips.  Hello?  It’s a coffee maker.  If it was a Mr. Ricer or a Mr. Yogurt I could understand; but it’s a coffee maker.  It’s supposed to brew, warm and decant coffee.  I wonder if it were a Mrs. Coffee would it still spill? Continue reading

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Conscious Neglect

6 May

I have been lucky enough to raise my children in middle class comfort and have taken advantage of the many opportunities afforded me to expose and educate them.  Now 12 years into this endeavor, I realize I’ve made a giant mistake.    And with all the recent attention on “Helicopter Parenting,” I have decided it is time for action.  Therefore, in the interest of my children, I am hereby going to neglect them. 

Furthermore, I feel it is my duty to package up this concept and take it to my fellow parental compatriots.  Oh the stories I could tell of what is like on the front line in the war for greatness and recognition, ease and perfection for my children.    Continue reading